Limbo

What a weird time; one more month to myself, and yet I feel like being stuck in a complete limbo. As much as my rationality tells me to enjoy life in singularity before it will forever turn into some kind of parental life, I seem to be unable to do anything else than waiting for the day when I will finally be walking around without belly, a child in my arm instead. Tragically (or normal??), as much as my old life is melting away between my hands, the void it currently leaves behind isn't filled by joyful expectation yet. Despite all the kicks that make my belly look like a football which is kicked from the inside, I just can't imagine life with a child, even though it is the one thing which I ever wished for in my life and the only thing I wouldn't want to miss in life.
Limbo. That's the only word that comes to my mind over and over again. Waiting, without really knowing what to expect. While the world around seems to already define me as a mother, I am frantically trying to find ways to stick to my previous definitions; the personalities I had and was over the past years. Knowing despite it all that I have already lost grip of my old life. There are moments where I wonder whether I will be a good mom, even though I am not willing to give up on the other things I believe in in life. Whether I will be a good mom, thinking that children are coming through us, but don't belong to us?
I remember that one of my few new year resolutions was to write only entertaining stuff on this blog. But now, close to the biggest change in my life, this resolution seems to be as far as ever. I am 100% happy about having a baby. But I would be lying to myself if I would try to present myself as 100% happy. Too many questions, too few answers. I am looking forward to the day when my mind will be kept busy by diapers, feeding, screaming. And to the day when I don't have to wait anylonger, but when I can actually experiment with finding ways to accomodate my baby, myself, the things I want to achieve in life, the little and big goals of my child, a bit of adventure, a bit of love, and uncountable other things, into a 24 hour day.