Sunny sides

The sunny sides of being home: snow, nature, dog, fresh air;

To enjoy those it doesn' t even need sun!

Four months and two days

I wanted to write this entry two days ago, but somehow I ended up doing other things that day, maybe trying to avoid thinking about the day four months ago.

Fact is, the 13th of August is still so vivid in my mind that I could live through it again, if I only would close my eyes. What started as a normal day, turned out to be a day that left a deep mark. But than again, I assume all really big days (especially the really tragic ones) start totally normal. In German we have this saying "getting up with your left leg", which means that days which you start on your left leg, usually turn out a bit chaotic. But at least you are prepared for it, as you immediately know, when walking to the toilet and there is no toilet paper, or latest when observing your wrinkled face in the mirrow, that the day will be chaotic.

The 13th of August started totally normal, at six in the morning, with a cup of coffee, the morning news on BBC, a quiet drive to the office, some hello and good mornings to colleagues, before I headed south to Gardez. I assume for my colleagues in Gardez, about to travel north to Kabul, the day must have started in a similar way, as normal as days can be, even in Afghanistan. Eleven o clock we met half way, having a cup of tea (milk tea, now that was abnormal for Afghanistan!), switching cars, waving good bye, only that they would never reach Kabul, whereas I reached Kabul, hours later after the world I knew around me had suddenly and unexpectadly changed. The few hours before reaching Kabul passed in a blur. While I was waiting to be brought back safely to Kabul, my boyfriend was on his way back from Jalalabad, on a road where several attacks had happened the same day, luckily making it safely back to Kabul as well. I remember talking to many people that day, but I couldn't say anymore which words were exchanged through the phone line, except that I appreciated each and every of them. What I remember cristal clear are the words that filled those ten minutes before switching cars, sitting in a narrow district office with my colleagues coming from Gardez, drinking tea.

Shock and disbelief have since than changed to anger, and now, finally sadness. And yet, on the same day, something else unplanned happened that will also change my life, partly already did, result of the desire to be close to somebody I could trust. For few days now, this unplanned happening has started kicking a bit, reminding me of the turns life can take, making me smile and driving tears into my eyes at the same time. Most people around me back in Italy only see the kicking bit, and are not aware of the things it reminds me of, even though they know what else happened on that day. Maybe the kicking is there because I never wanted to forget this day, because I wanted to have something to hold on to, something that simply shows how unusual life is.

Lago di Garda

One way of spending time at home - trekking around Lake Garda. It's particularly beautiful at this time of the year, when the lake is surrounded by solitude instead of the usual crowd of tourists, surfers and climbers.

Here I am

Here I am -
are the three words that have been crossing my mind basically non stop for the past two weeks.

Here I am, back in Italy, back in the house of my parents, back in my little village, back to where I started many years ago. Long desired, and still difficult to grasp, that I will be here for some time from now. I knew that having kids means sacrifices, but do these sacrifices really have to start that early? After all, it's only 20 cm big (though I have to say that I am already getting worried by the pushs that it makes against my belly - what will it be like when it is only born?! ;)
But there are still few months until I will be busy with changing diapers, feeding and maybe wishing for my old independent bachelor life again.

Now I am here, and there is this big question of what to do between now and May. There are various options, though none of them feels particularly tempting at the moment.
Option one is turning myself into a housekeeper and taking care of the house, dog and 98 year old grandma, not to forget about the crowd of visiting birds in the garden, which, thanks to my mother's generous feeding practices, grows day by day.
Option two is the same as option one, with in addition giving extra lessons to my teenager cousin to make sure he doesn't fail a second time in primary school.
Option three is the two first combined and in addition french and italian home studies (the first one out of self interest, the second one out of survival instinct, given that I might be stuck in this italien-german province for longer....)
Then there is the option of starting in addition an MBA (whereby I still have to figure out how to finance it)
But somehow I am afraid that even the four options combined + some skiing and snow trekking wont keep me busy enough!

Here I am, after years of 15/24 and 7/7 working schedules, in places where even driving to work created stones in my stomach, sudddenly afraid of leading the harmonious quiet life I was longing for so much especially during the past few months. Can this be normal?

At least a beginning...

... before the blog gets automatically deleted because I am not putting up anything...

The pictures below are from my favorite spot just few kilometers from where I grew up and where I am planning to settle temporarily again. When temporary settling becomes too challenging, I usually go for a stroll to this lake, and at least for the time of the stroll, things seem all fine again.